Currently Playing Take This to Your Grave By Fall Out Boy see related

                      heyhey. tis' friday and its been 6 days since i've updated.
                        i check back at my page to see if i got comments more
                                                                       than i post. hm. oh well.
this weekend has been fairly busy::
on monday myself and the dearest katie stayed after school so we could catch up in fashion design. Kelly posada basically did my bag for me. Heh, katie actually worked. i chatted, finished my scrunchie/did most of kaycees bookmark. Ummm i took katie out for my fabolous. driving.hahahaha. i can't turn for SHIT! lol...i loveit. Worlds Greatest Driver right hurrr.
Yeahhh. we hung out kinda. chatted. i was locked outa my house. . then i gave katie a spare key. even though i had no idea where my key was. heh i just hung around the rest of the night....and on tuesday basically it was shit weather. i looked for katie to give me my key.....she left it at home. So like, i took her bus home. we just talked more. . god i lovethat girl. And her madre took me home around.....430ish. Uh, i got in a fight with my dad later that night. hes started yellin' at me like he did last year. Hes so fucking stupid and lazy. he wouldn't get off his ass to take me to borders to get me a book that i owe Mike and get my poetry books...i ended up walking on my sore legs, using my lunch money. i didn't wanna go home..eh. whatever.
why 'cause more drama...
pfffft. anyways. didn't get much sleep. had a nasty headache. got my cell phone taken away. uhhh my dad got his motorcycle. its fairly lame. ill take a picture if i get bored.
uhhh me and my brother took pictures on monday..ha.ha....i'm not showing you though.

mmm...anyways.
tuesday overall was a shit day.
i had one of those other bad nights on wednesday.not gon'  talk bout that one.
in school the next day, i had a nasty migrane. ugh, i haven't had one in a while, it killed. yes, i cried if you have to know. augh. it got better though.
Then, i had an orthodontist appointment. i went to peters lacrosse game also, with katie AGAIN. ha. i can't seem to get enough of her.
uhmm....thanks katie fo' going. It was a tough loss fo mister pedah but he did a damn good job. anyways. he gave us a ride home 'cause he offered and yeah.
well. we made plans last night with ken for Saturday.
today...we had an assembly. it was overall a good day.
uhm. shivani invited me over for a SpiceWorld party....
i was going to make plans with 'lena...but she didn't talk to me more about it.
annnddd.... then...meyer also invitedme over...or out for coffee at least?
yeah.so for some reason. one of the days this week. i couldn't stop thinking about jesse. i don't like it when i have angel around either. not his fault though. don't get me wrong, i love angel. but i still like jesse. something about him that keeps me holding on...augh.suuuucks.well....
I'm going to the Guys and Dolls play. i don't know who to go with.

             yeah. so if your interested. please contact me.
             yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
star wars party is posponed. sammy and myself need to do better planning.
wow. hm..so apparently i'm Roaming on mycell phone, and i'm at home? wtf. whatever.
i downloaded 2 new ringtones.
            i know. your dying to hear which ones.
                      well. i got. Fall Out Boy-Grand Theft Autumn
                          &&Whitney Houston-I Wanna Dance with Somebody
          exciting, eh?

well. i must talk to you kids later.
<3.<3.<3.
                        COUNTDOWNS!
               Bright Eyes on Jay Leno ::::: 17 Days.
               Bright Eyes Concert!!!!! ::::: 29 Days.
               School/Freshman Year!  ::::: 49[including non-school days]
                                                          34 School Days. yessss.
 Kelsi y Jessicas 1year Anniversary! 
  [a.k.a. Zumiez Couch Tour]         ::::: 70 days.
               New York with Katie!    ::::: 91 days

<3.<3.<3.

augh.i don't know how. i don't know what to do. i just want to make things better. i dont want to be a huge mess, i don't care what you think. i might, depending on who you are and what role you play in my life. but most likely, i don't. i don't want to be a teenager and i don't want to be in st. charles. i'm not trying to get away from the people or the atmosphere really. i'm trying to get away from myself. i don't need your sympathy. i don't need to waste my time writing this, but because i want to let it out. i'm writing and  you're reading this, so you must be as bored as myself. i don't want to talk to you, much. i'm too scared to let go of something i have yet to even have a grasp over. i'm too scared to even admit something is wrong or that i'm wrong. i'm too scared to open up. i'm too scared to go to sleep at night. i'm too scared to pick up my phone and i'm too scared to leave the house. i'd rather curl up and read a book. poetry book to be more specific. and try to learn that i should be outside, i'm fourteen. but i'm sitting inside and reading. i want to get involved. i want to be involved. i want to feel involved. but i don't want to be near you. i just want to be there. feel what you feel. achievements never last so long. i just want to feel wanted. i want to feel missed when i'm not around. i want a lot of things and can be called selfish if you'd like, but it isn't like everybody else isnt. i want to stop hiding how i really feel. just come clean with it. get it over with, don't smile when i am. just be who i am but then i'm bothered. ''whats wrong?'' ''something happen?'' yeah, nothings really new. i just am a teenager and it happens. so what? ugh none of this makes sense.

and i'm still not being completely honest in what i want.

i'm too selfish to know what i want
i'm too young to know what i want
i'm too stupid to know what i want
i'm too immature to know what i want
i'm too distracted to know what i want
i'm too bored to know what i want

i'm wasting my time thinking about it.
because i'll never catch what i'm chasing.
and at times, i just want to think to myself
and tell myself, i have it. Let it go.
move on. 'cause it wasn't anything that
i really wanted to know.

''knowing nothing is better than knowing it all..."
-the used

&& well. i'm pretty sick of listening to myself. all i do is complain. its true and i'm not afraid to admit that much. i just dont like to put it into consideration and stop. i just complain and it isn't like you don't.
i want to come clean with my feelings. especially with Jesse. i do. yeah, it seems like i don't like him much, like at all. but i do. a lot. lot. lot. lot.lot.lot.lot.lot. just because i don't say ''i love you'' to him doesn't mean anything. love is something im not going to say until i actually mean it. eh. confusing. but, its me. i don't want to rush into something. ugh. i've seen him about 3 times in the past month. and 2x only while going out with him. he lives a town over and i never see him, but hes with tyler 'n' andy and such. i don't know. i don't like calling his house much 'cause hes never home and he doesn't pick it up most of the time. he hardly calls me, but i cant blame him. i hardly pick up my phone 'cause i never hear it. ugh. i'm so scared of commitment i can't live my life how i want it. yeah, sure i want him around all the time. but its not going to work. he doesn't like me anymore. i can tell. it hardly seems like he did from the beginning but i'll go with it. i need to see him in the next week ....really badly. writing this isn't really going to do anything. i should call him, try to see him. but. its 7 40 on the last day of spring break ....he won't be home. And thats why i am.

Yeaaaaaaaaah. well. if you actually took the time to read this, don't think you'll be commenting. ha. disabled those for a while. um..thanks for reading it then. sorry for my confused scribbled like words. kay.bye.